It was a gloomy day as usual. The intermittent stomach cramps and the constant urge to defecate was just escalating my misery. Already weak from regular bouts of diarrhea, I pondered upon how long can I sustain my hopeless life.
Looking for some rays of hope, I restlessly searched the cause of IBS in the internet. Being diagnosed with IBS-D, my heart sank when my doctor's words rang in my ears ; " There is no known cure for IBS ", he said.
Oh! but I read somewhere that IBS can be cured. Ah! here is one : An ayurvedic way to cure IBS. Ayurveda has been my all time savior and the causes of IBS are stress, anxiety, depression and suppression of urges.
Great! So all I need to do was not be stressed and be happy. That's it! Simple! My pale face gleamed a little with some hope after a long time. Little did I know what I have gotten myself into.
On my way home in my office bus, I was ruminating again. Just then, I remembered, "I can't worry and be sad, I need to be happy". So I tried to be happy. But strangely, I felt a very uncomfortable sensation in my body, I tried to push it away but it only increased my discomfort. I have never felt like that before. I wanted to run away from it but the more I tried the more I felt the pain. Within seconds, I found myself overwhelmed with pain and fear, my temple constricted, my heart pumping and my forehead sweating. I just had a panic attack. But I didn't know what it was.
After sometime, my body calmed down. But still, I was struck with fear. I couldn't fathom what was happening to me. What if it happens again? No sooner than that I felt an uncomfortable sensation again and I could instantly recognize it. Immediately, my mind went into alert mode and before I could do anything I got another panic attack.
I reached home and all I thought about was what it was and how to get rid of it. I was in constant apprehension as to what if it happens during dinner and as yes, I got another panic attack during dinner and then several times at night.
Then started a series of panic attacks day after day. I desperately looked for ways and means to figure out what it was, why I am having it and how to stop it. My parents, as usual couldn't understand what was wrong with me and constantly told me that its all in my mind, that why do I allow it to happen and that I should stop thinking about it. But those who have been suffering from this terrible condition knows that such comments don't make any difference. Their lack of understanding of my condition infuriated me. I quarreled with them in between the attacks with whatever energy was left with me but was left defeated by them and life as a whole.
My health deteriorated further. I always felt exhausted due to lack of sleep and a constant supply of cortisol in my body. There has been moments when I thought that death was a better option.
One day, I was on way to office, I saw someone reading a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle . The guy who was reading it looked like he has been through a lot of depression. His face was pale and there was dark circles around his eyes. Looked like he hadn't slept properly for a long time. I don't know why but I thought that this book may have a solution to my problem.
I instantly bought the book and started reading it. It spoke about how surrendering to the present moment can end all depression and how one can transmute the pain body to be more in the present. So I thought that all I need to do was to be in the present. So I tried to be in the present but still I suffered. But this time with less intensity.
I noted that this feeling (which I now know as panic attack) occurs only at certain times but not always so when it occurs I will just try to be in the present. Fortunately, I stopped having panic attacks but staying in the present was a very difficult thing to do when any uncomfortable sensation or feeling occurred in my body.
Eventually, I realized that it was just a sensation in my body and that I should wait it out and let it happen. That assured me but after a considerable stretch of panic-free life, some incident or the other again triggered these panic attacks in me which took a huge toll on my health. I thought that probably there is something missing in my understanding of these panic attacks.
In my journey of freeing myself from panic, I came across many meditation practices. One of them was mindfulness meditation. I did some research on it and learnt that many people have freed them from panic attacks completely with zero relapses with this practice. Their brain scans showed that the amygdala or the fear center of the brain has gone totally silent. Then began my journey of understanding the working of the mind, how it's connected to the body and how I can tame it. The universal rule is that I needed to accept my sensations and emotions as they occur which I was the link I was missing. Now, I understood what Eckhart Tolle wanted to tell me.
Now I am devoting a minimum of twenty minutes to this meditation everyday. The best part it of it is I can do it anytime and anywhere and with eyes closed or open. It gives me a lot of flexibility to practice it during my busy schedule. I am improving day by day. It's benefits are innumerable. Nowadays I am more alert, calm and filled with appreciation and gratitude. And Guess what.. My IBS is gone too. It completely transformed my life and I only wish this for everyone in this world.
This is indeed a gift and I want to share it to the world because I feel somewhere down the line that this is the solution to all problems plaguing our society
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